To Doubt or Believe

25 Apr

This has been a rough year and the troubles have all come to a head the last few weeks. Business isn’t going good. I feel like I’m falling without anything to hang on to. For the last year and a half, I have thought that although things were rough, God knew what He was doing and that He would provide for me and my family as long as I was being faithful to him. Many things have happened the past year and a half that had convinced me that I was doing His will. I was reaching more and more people through the website, my role in church was expanded. I was convinced that I was walking in the center of His will. Even though I was experiencing difficult trials, I knew that He would provide for my family because He promised he would.

Then April 1 arrived. I didn’t have the money to cover bills. God had always provided the money to pay the bills. Now here I had to borrow money just to cover bills. Where was God? Why hadn’t he provided? What kind of a witness is someone who has to borrow just to feed his family? It’s almost a month later and there isn’t much left to borrow.

That is when doubt entered into my life. For years I had believed and taught a faith that surpasses human understanding. Now, I feel like a fool. Instead of looking for a job months ago, I thought that God would answer my prayer for new clients. In fact, without going into the details, I was convinced that God wanted me to stay in the consulting business instead of looking for full time work. Now I don’t know. I don’t have the answers. I don’t even know the questions anymore.

I just read that doubt is the hesitation that sits between faith and unbelief leaning toward the latter. I can totally relate. So, here I am teetering between faith and unbelief. As much as I want to believe, it just doesn’t feel genuine. Inside, there is just so much doubt.

So, what do I do? I have to put on my intellectual hat. I just wrote in a devotional that an old Greek axiom was “knowledge of ignorance is the beginning of knowledge.” I think that I may change that to my present situation: “Knowledge of unbelief is the beginning of faith”. What that says to me is that you have to have faith if you realize that you have unbelief or, to say it another way, you can’t have unbelief without faith.

So, that means that I have to fight through this. I’m going to spend a lot of time praying. It’s going to be hard since lately, my prayers have been a lot of yelling at God. I don’t know what to say so I ask the Holy Spirit to pray for me. I also have to ask you to pray for me. I just want work that will support my family. I don’t need material success. I just want to work.

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